


The Real Money's In Syndication

by PepperF



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-23
Updated: 2010-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-09 20:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/777498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperF/pseuds/PepperF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SG-1 are captured by Goa'ulds with some... very peculiar demands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Real Money's In Syndication

**Author's Note:**

> For rydra_wong and abyssinia4077, who are very pushy. ;)

There was whispering coming from around the corner. 

Jack frowned. He pressed his face against the cell bars, trying to make out what was being said – but it was in Goa'uld. Across the hall, Daniel was mirroring his position. Jack looked at him for clarification.

"Older," Daniel translated, his murmurs only just audible. "... Blonde... Not..." He glanced back at Teal'c, and exchanged words too quietly for Jack to hear. "Not silver... Pretty much the same." He shook his head and raised his hands at Jack: he had no idea what it all meant.

Jack's frown deepened, and he glanced at Carter, who was sharing a cell with him. She shrugged. "Me either, sir." 

"Hellooo?" Daniel called. 

The whispering stopped abruptly. Then came back, in urgent conference. Finally, the voices fell silent again. A moment later, a Goa'uld appeared from around the corner, stumbling forward as though shoved. He glared back, and then smoothed his face out as he turned to look at SG-1. "Tauri," he boomed. "Bow before your gods."

"Yeah, yeah." Jack was looking at the Goa'uld's hands, which were beckoning frantically to his co-whisperer, still hidden. "Come out, come out, whoever you are," Jack singsonged.

Cautiously, another Goa'uld peeked around the corner, and then seemed to recall what was appropriate for his race. He straightened up and strode forward to stand next to his companion. "You are our prisoners!"

"So it seems." He eyed them. They both looked strangely excitable. And short. Surprisingly short. Standing together, their long, gold robes that swept the floor, they looked like a cruet set. "Aren't you two a little short for stormtroopers?" he asked. Behind him, Sam muffled a cough – but the two Goa'uld just gave him a blank look.

"Colonel," one of them, with dark hair, said. The other one, a sandy blond, twitched. "You are our prisoners. I am Lord Enki. My companion is Lord Nanna."

"Sorry, boys. Never heard of ya."

"But _we_ know much about _you_ ," smirked Enki. He looked around at Daniel and Teal'c in their cell opposite. "Doctor," he nodded at Daniel. "Shol'va," he spat at Teal'c.

"Major," said Nanna, looking Carter up and down lasciviously. She glared at him. "And Colonel," he finished the tally.

"Win a prize, collect the whole set," said Jack, inanely. 

"I suppose you think you will escape our prison," sneered Enki. "I suppose that, this very moment, you are hatching a cunning plan to secure you and your team's freedom, Colonel?" He sounded almost... eager. 

"Well, hey," shrugged Jack, "it's what I..." Enki and Nanna had leaned forward, simultaneously. It was kind of spooky, and it made Jack lose his train of thought. "...um. What?"

Enki and Nanna looked strangely disappointed. 

"Yes, well, it'll never work," muttered Enki.

"Tell us about the markings on your uniform," demanded Nanna, abruptly.

"What? No."

"Tell us," insisted Nanna. "Or I will – I will shoot your Major." He drew out a zat, and aimed it at Carter, who stepped back. "Tell us, Colonel. We know how much you value her life." He and Enki exchanged a significant look that raised some new concerns in Jack's mind.

Well, it wasn't like his patches were some great secret. "Okay, boys, simmer down. This one's the SGC insignia," he said, pointing at the patch on his right shoulder. "And this one's to show that I'm a member of the United States Air Force. This one's the Earth point of origin," he said, pointing at his left shoulder. Lucky he wasn't wearing his Dress Blues, he thought to himself, or they'd be here all day. 

There was a hurried, _sotto voce_ conversation.

"So... in fact..." said Enki, voice quavering somewhat, "it does _not_ say 'Colonel' anywhere on your uniform?" Across the hallway, Teal'c drew in a sharp breath. 

"No..." said Jack, nonplussed. The Goa'ulds looked almost like they were going to have a fit of the giggles. Nanna nudged Enki sharply in the ribs, and Enki responded with a shove, surprising a snort from Nanna. Very, very odd. The Goa'uld collected themselves.

"You are much older than I expected, Colonel," said Nanna, looking Jack over somewhat critically. Jack glared at him. "But taller," he added, after a moment's consideration. He turned to Carter. "You, Major – have you done something to your hair?"

"What?" Carter raised a self-conscious hand to her head, before she could control it.

"It is much less... brunette than before, no?"

She glanced at Jack, who shrugged, baffled. This was quite the strangest conversation he'd ever had with an alien, and that was saying something. "No. No, I've never been brunette."

"Hm." Nanna frowned. He and Enki exchanged another speaking look, and then his forehead lightened. "I like it! Let it be known across the lands that Lord Nanna prefers the Major to be blonde!"

"Oh, brother," muttered Carter.

Daniel cleared his throat, apparently feeling left out. "Um, hi, hi there," he said. "I wonder if we could—"

"Doctor," said Enki, swirling around. "Is it true that you once played Hamlet in Can-a-daa?" Daniel, mouth hanging open, squinted at him. Nanna muttered in Enki's ear. "Oh, yes. That would be the other you." Turning away from Daniel, who was still trying to find words, he looked at Teal'c. "Shol'va!" Teal'c stepped forward. "Do the eyerbrow thing?" The tone was practically pleading.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. 

Enki and Nanna shuffled closer to one another, suddenly very twitchy. They had their backs to Jack, but he got the distinct impression that they were _gleeful_.

Odder and odderer.

"Now," said Enki, swirling back around, suddenly all business. "Colonel, Major." He rubbed his hands together, and exchanged a wide-eyed look with Nanna. Jack's stomach sank. Whatever these two were so excited about, they were about to find out. "We demand—"

"Enki! Nanna! What is the meaning of this?"

Enki and Nanna seemed to shrink instantly, bowing their heads and turtling into their stiff gold robes, as a new Goa'uld swept into the cell area, flanked by two tall Jaffa. "Lord Shamash!" exclaimed Enki. "I – we – we were not—"

"Silence!" Lord Shamash glared down at them. "You insolent dogs! How dare you converse with _my_ prisoners!"

"My lord," stammered Nanna, "we were not – we were simply—"

"Be silent, you filthy wretches!" Jack had to hand it to him: Shamash knew how to strike the right villainous tone. Enki and Nanna snivelled quietly. Shamash, assured that they were suitably cowed, looked around imperiously. He glared at Jack, who raised his eyebrows, and then at Carter. Then he drew himself up to, Jack couldn't help but notice, an only slightly more respectable height. What was it with the Goa'uld around here? Too much coffee and cigarettes? "What is this?" demanded Shamash, incredulously. "What have you two fools done?" He gestured to his Jaffa. "Remove the woman from that cell immediately!"

Jack frowned. "Okay, skippy, she's not—"

"But my Lord—" protested Enki, at the same time.

"Silence!"

"Yeah, you know, that never really works on me." But at staff point, there was little Jack could do to stop them taking Carter anywhere. She gave him a shrug and a brave look as she left the cell. "Play nice with the other kids," he told her, and she smirked. 

But she didn't go far. She was shown straight into the cell opposite, in fact, with Daniel and Teal'c.

To complete Jack's bewilderment, the Jaffa then ushered Daniel out, and into Jack's cell. "Uh... hi?"

"Hey, Jack. Um. Change of scenery, maybe?" Daniel shrugged, obviously as much in the dark as Jack. The door slammed shut behind him, and they both stepped up to the bars. Lord Shamash was gazing with satisfaction at this seemingly pointless new arrangement, while Enki and Nanna wrung their hands and looked miserable. Shamash beckoned another Jaffa forward, this one brandishing a small, round device at about eye level. Jack eyed it with misgiving.

"Good," he said, firmly. "Now, Colonel, Doctor. I demand—"

\---

"Autographs," said Jack.

Hammond stared at him. "Autographs?"

"Yessir. Autographs."

There was a brief silence.

"It, uh, seems that the Goa'uld have been spying on us – on Earth as a whole, that is," said Daniel, pushing his glasses up. "They've been monitoring communications, presumably from a cloaked ship hiding somewhere nearby. More precisely, they've been monitoring all our radio and, uh, _television_ broadcasts. One particular show has taken their interest. They record it, and transmit it back to, well, the equivalent of headquarters on their long-range visual communication device. They think – well, they seem to understand that the purpose of the show is disinformation, but they're smart enough to realize that disinformation can sometimes give them the shape of the information that's being—"

"Wormhole X-Treme!, sir," interrupted Jack. "Apparently they're big fans."

"Treemies," said Carter. "That's what the fans call themselves." Everyone looked at her, and she blushed. "Teal'c told me!"

Everyone looked at Teal'c, who merely looked smug. Teal'c, in fact, had been the only one to understand what was going on, and had thus been able to negotiate terms for SG-1's release. Jack had a suspicion that the Goa'uld weren't the only alien Treemies in the galaxy.

"It caught on amongst a few minor Goa'uld, bootleg copies started doing the rounds, a following built up..." Jack raised his hands. He didn't understand it either, but then he'd never liked sci fi. "It's rapidly becoming a big underground success. I always said the Goa'uld had no taste."

Hammond stared around at SG-1. "And they just wanted your autographs?" he asked, dubiously. "For _two days_?"

"Yep," said Jack. "That was it." There was a pause. "They had a lot of stuff to sign, sir."

"And they wanted to take a few photos," added Daniel, incurably honest, "of—"

"Of the team," interrupted Jack, smoothly, pretty confident that the photos would never make their way back to the SGC. He gave Daniel his fiercest glare, and Daniel snapped his mouth shut.

"They had a device, sort of like a camera," added Carter, causing Jack to transfer his glare to her. "It was... er. Um."

"And they took our T-shirts, of course," added Daniel. Glaring at him was never effective for very long.

"Yeah, they did that, too," conceded Jack. 

"And our pants."

"And our pants." No point in pretending otherwise, really – not after everyone had seen them come back through the Gate in their skivvies. Hammond gave him a hard stare. "But they gave us back our weapons," he added.

Hammond sighed wearily.

"And Colonel O'Neill agreed to forward their script to Martin Lloyd," finished Teal'c. Sam blanched, and Daniel looked queasy. Jack groaned, and covered his face with his hands. He'd been hoping – intending – to forget all about that script. As a matter of fact, he'd _ordered_ his team never to mention it again. He gave a little shudder, remembering. The horror, the horror... "It was most entertaining."

"Teal'c," he growled, "did anyone ever tell you that you talk too much?"

Teal'c did the eyebrow thing.

\---

END


End file.
